Much of the focus of our writing is on being helpful. We can’t all reach out to everyone in need but every little bit helps.
Always have a willing hand to help someone, you might be the only one that does. Roy T. Bennett
The quote above really resonates with me because there have been many times over the past few years when I really hoped that someone would reach out a hand to help me. I don’t need money or physical help but I would like a friend. As a recent retiree I find myself in a very isolated place. Yes I have a loving husband and family but there are no other close relationships – they are all in the past. Why? I will tell you now. I wonder if your story is like mine?
Firstly – I have had friends in the past – its just that life happened and we all moved on…..
- My first set of friends were from school. They are well and truly in the past – after all we are thrown together with people at school and do not have the luxury of ‘moving on’ for at least 13 years of our lives until the school experience is over. These ‘friends’ move on with their lives and it is inevitable for most of us to lose touch with them over time.
- Similarly, although we exchange Christmas cards with friends from University – they are also very much in the past. There is no animosity there – life has just driven us apart.
- Over the years most of my social connections were associated with work. What happens when you change jobs or retire? You lose those social contacts. It is quite normal – your priorities change!
- When I was working, my ‘relaxation’ activities were also a type of work – I joined a church school board about 16 years ago. When that when awry I not only lost all the contacts from the board but I also found my self separated from the church (i.e. another key source of social contact gone).
- I do mingle with some people at the pool. I swim a lot and meet people by the pool everyday. Yes, I know their first names but nothing else about them. ‘Morning Jim’, ‘how’s it going’, ‘nice swim’ – that’s the extent of the pleasantries around the pool….
- I do yoga and made many acquaintances over ten years on the mat but yoga is a quiet activity and not really conducive to developing deep and meaningful relationships.
So you can see, I am the product of my own activities and life changes and it is largely my fault that I find my self lonely with no one reaching out to me now. But I believe there is more to it than that and I believe that my situation is actually quite common. How about you? Do you find yourself in a similar position?
What is a friend anyway?
It all comes down to the definition of a friend and how that has changed over the years. The Oxford Dictionary says that a friend (noun) is ‘a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.’
Friends vs Acquaintances
I have had friends in the past – I really have – but I have also had many more acquaintances than friends. Have you noticed how people talk about their friends as though they had heaps of them? When you are lonely or friendless that can hurt because you wonder what is wrong with you that you don’t also have lots of friends.
Over the past few years as I wonder if I will ever make any ‘real friends’ again in my lifetime I have actually asked people whether they have real friends. I tended to assume that people are so busy with their own lives that they would have no space for another person to join in so I started to research the issue. When I asked people about their social circles it was really interesting to hear them work through their own situation out loud- they start off their answers with – yes of course I have friends- I used to meet them regularly when I was working – there are only one or two people I meet with and then finally – well actually I guess not – we moved away from our old neighbourhood and lost contact etc.
It is even worse if you have been part of the church and then moved on for some reason. If you leave the church ‘family’ you just don’t exist.
I suspect that many people have many acquaintances and not so many real friends. In a society where people are becoming more isolated ( the pandemic has had an impact on this) it is a sobering thought that so many people are alone and may be needing help a lot of the time! So perhaps we need to be the first to do the reaching out – we might be surprised at how easy it is to connect again!
Facebook Friends
I believe that another big influence on the decline of real friendship is social media and in particular FB. If you ‘friend’ someone on social media ( i.e. friend is used a a verb) you add the person ‘to a list of friends or contacts on a social networking website.’
If you are familiar with Facebook you will know that many people have many FB friends – 100s or even 1000s of friends. But when do they see each other or catch up for a chat with all those people? Are they really friends? Friends look out for each other, call each other for a chat and support, show love and care for each other and help when needed. We see just enough of our ‘friends’ each day on FB to make us believe that we are staying in touch. But really we are kidding ourselves!
Back to the quote then…
Always have a willing hand to help someone, you might be the only one that does. Roy T. Bennett
Everyone has their own story of busyness, moving on and changing lifestyles etc. so whilst my story is mine alone, I hope you can see that life can make anyone lonely if they let it. Chances are that with the increased reliance on social media to ‘stay in touch’, the move online during the pandemic and the complexity of life many of us are left alone. Sadly I believe that it really is true that if you help someone or reach out to them in the simplest of ways that you may be the only one who is doing it.
The lesson here is to make the first move and do not assume that others do not need you to join their circle of ‘friends’.
Reaching out and offering help or even a listening ear could be all it takes to start a beautiful new friendship – a real one! Why not try reaching out?
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Until next time,
Gillian (and Andrew)
