Even though I gave birth to twins 28 years ago it is amazing how much I remember of the very early days. It really does seem like yesterday. We have photos of all of our children in our hall and sometimes when I stop and look at the photos of them when they were 3-4 years old  I weep a little as I remember those special times and how quickly they passed. Those times before they start school are so precious because they are so dependent on you for everything and life is still relatively simple. But it is also that dependence that makes those early years so challenging. For me the first 12 months was the toughest.

I would like to share some of my personal challenges. I will be writing in more detail about the various aspects of life with twins but this post is about my struggles as well as some words of encouragement!

Being a stay at home mum was not for me!

The hardest thing for me to get used to after my twins were born was being at home full time with children. As I look back I think I felt that my life lacked balanced i.e. it was all about the babies and nothing about our daughter, my marriage or anything else. Baby stuff became overwhelming.

After our daughter was born I juggled a baby and a PhD write-up and so my life was fairly full. Once the PhD was submitted I worked at the university in various different jobs until about the middle of my twin pregnancy. So I had never really been at home being just a mum. During the first few weeks of having twins in the house, being at home wasn’t too much of an issue because I was so tired all the time and really just content to eat, sleep and feed. I had also decided that they would be my priority and focused on getting through each day. But once the boys started to grow I could not help feeling a bit bored. I was busy but felt that something was missing.

I made an effort to develop some social contacts.  I took craft classes, made my own clothes etc. and I became involved with some mother’s groups at our church. I did everything to keep myself occupied as well as taking care of the family. But, I have to say I never really enjoyed this lifestyle and felt like I was marking time. I felt trapped and at times worried that everything I had worked hard for, academically, would be taken away from me. I was lonely but did not have the energy to go out everyday or invite people over all the time. And, I was still physically  exhausted from carrying twins, feeding them, carrying them around and cleaning up after them.

No time for other family members

The other very difficult aspect of being a mother to very young twins was the lack of time I had to spend with my daughter and with Andrew. Most of the time Andrew and I spent together was while I was feeding babies. He would be there to change them and help with the lifting etc. He also did most of the washing and cleaning. Mealtimes were chaotic and we all know that the late afternoon period is not generally happy in households with babies. This was concerning to us both but we felt there was no way out because we had no one to help us.

I also felt that I lost some connection with my daughter. She, at the age of 4 had to get her own breakfast in the morning and entertain herself for hours while I sat feeding and changing etc. She started school when the boys were only 7 months old and the last precious months before she went off to school seemed a blur to me. I felt like a spectator and felt like I had let her down. I still carry guilt today for ‘missing’ those months.

A key step towards a happier mum

I will write about feeding in another post but I will just say here that I fed my twins, one for 9 months and the other for 12 months. I twin fed them i.e. both at the same time. For me this was the most efficient approach but it posed challenges in that we needed to be home to feed. This was extremely limiting and we all felt a little trapped. After 6 months of doing nothing much more than feeding two babies I decided to wean them off the lunchtime feed. This allowed us to go out for the day and it changed our lives. We could have a family day out with everyone being involved. Going for a walk with the babies in the pram allowed us to walk together and talk normally, have a picnic, go to a restaurant for lunch and visit friends without having to rush home for the feed.

Having some freedom from feeding also allowed me to spend more time with our daughter and so I started to feel more normal. I found some balance for a while. I started to settle into the routine of school and after school activities. I knew in my heart that this would not be my life forever and so I just made it all work for a while.

But we all made it in one piece!!

I know this all sounds a bit sad and gloomy but we did survive and everyday along the way there were some positives to celebrate. There were the normal baby milestones of teeth coming through, learning to sit up, eating solids and starting to move around. The babies provided delight to us, and our daughter enjoyed playing with the boys as they grew and became responsive to her. We also loved playing tricks on people in shopping centres. We were constantly asked if the boys were twins and the question became very tedious. One day Andrew answered the question by saying ‘no, actually they are half a set of quads, my wife has the other two in another pram’. Perhaps not a nice thing to do to someone, but we did tire of the questions. The point is, we made our own fun when we could.

Finding myself again

Some people will be shocked at my admissions in this post. But I know there are also many mothers and fathers out there who can relate to this trapped feeling. It doesn’t mean that you love your children any less, it’s just that you may not want to be with them 24/7. Although I knew that I would never truly be an individual again because my children are a living part of me, I wanted to find something to do in my life again that did not involve children. I wanted to use my brain in a way that did not involve baby talk!

I did go back to work but not until the boys were 3 years old. But that’s a tale for another day!

Having said all this, I want to say that I do not judge those women who do stay at home. In fact, I admire them for doing it – in my view they have it much tougher than those of us who decide to go back to work.

Do what is right for you

Why am I writing all this? Because I believe that  it is important that mothers and fathers make decisions that are right for themselves and their families, not decisions to keep other people happy. Sadly, there is so much judgement out there and everyone has an opinion about what you should be doing when it comes to staying at home or going back to work etc.

You will no doubt need to find balance in your life too just as I did.

But that balance will definitely be different to the ‘balance’ found by others around you and that’s fine.

You should do what is right for you and your babies and family. You are unique and how you deal with having a family to look after is your business. Your recovery from giving birth, your journey into parenthood and the transitions your family move through as it grows are yours and you need to decide what is best for you!

What Next?

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Until next time,

 

 

Gillian (and Andrew)