Do you know much about personality types? Have you ever wondered why some people seek alone time every day but others just thrive on the company of others? The needs of the individuals who make up your household can be difficult to support if you are not aware of their differences. I am only talking about one aspect of personality here and that is the introvert/extrovert aspect and I can only speak with real authority about introverts because I am one and have lived in a house full of them for years!
But first I think it is important to clear up a very common myth before I talk about my own experiences. Many people will tell you that extroversion relates to how outgoing someone is and introversion is the same as being shy. In fact I, who would call myself an extreme introvert, have been accused at times of being a fraud because I am able to hold my own in a group of loud people, express my opinions and actually have fun with others!
Recharging the Batteries
But that’s not what it’s about and that is not what I want to focus on when I talk about healthy households! The easiest way to think about the difference between introverts and extroverts is to ask the questions:
Where do you go to recharge your batteries?
Do you need alone time at the end of the day or week or do you gravitate towards people to recharge your energy levels?
If your answer is that you prefer alone time to recharge then you are probably an introvert. But of course this is not a rule we must follow, it is a preference. In an ideal world we would be able to regulate our own contact with others and so manage our needs for time to recharge. But we live with others, work with others and we must work within the boundaries and rules of organisations who may not understand our need for quiet and down time! Just thinking of the open plan office filled with people sends me into a panic!
But we learn to adapt and cope and we do our best to work with others. Most of the time we get along quite well, finding little moments of alone time each day. But where it can fall apart is when we are stressed or something unusual pops up like extra tasks with short deadlines or perhaps a loud family member comes home for a visit……
I would like to share my own story now and give you some tips about living happily with the introverts in your life. This includes knowing what to do with those difficult times when stresses are piling up.
My story…
When I was first married and for many years after that I had no idea about introverted personality types nor did I really understand a lot about self -reflection and putting myself into the shoes of others. I learned about all that in the early 2000’s when I did some study in education and training. So for many years I used to think that when my husband came home at the end of the day that I was doing something to annoy him. Why? Because he used to get annoyed when I tried to talk to him. He didn’t mean to be rude but he had spent all day with people and the last thing he needed when he arrived home was someone talking at him, asking him questions and expecting intelligent conversation. This was particularly difficult in the years when I was home with young children. I had spent the day with no one to talk to other than a couple of babies and I was ready to chat!! I was having too much alone time and he wasn’t having enough.
Of course I can reflect on and analyse all of these memories now and understand it all but at the time I didn’t really know what I was doing. It didn’t twig for years what was going on with Andrew. He needed space and time when he arrived home. In a family home with dinner being prepared, homework being done and family squabbles about TV watching etc., he struggled to find his quiet place any day of the week! And this would be the case in any household no matter who is involved i.e. lots of chatter and background noise can be overwhelming for the person who just needs some quiet time and space!
So what does it all look like now?
I start almost every day with either a swim or a walk on my own. Five minutes of social contact poolside before I go under the water is all I need to satisfy my people contact needs. This is so important for me. I have also worked from home for the past 14 years. Although I talk multiple times a day to my business partner on Skype or on the phone, I have my own space and can be in charge of my schedule etc.
Andrew still struggles to find alone time during his work day. But he goes for a walk at lunchtime to recharge when he can or sits alone in the lunchroom just to escape the large open plan office he has to work in.
My situation is perfect for me but I still have to be careful when Andrew arrives home. I now give him space to check his emails and rest in front of the TV for a while before asking him a question or giving him any important news.
Now that all of our children are grown and all turned into introverts like us they all have their own ways to recharge at the end of the day or in some cases at the end of the week. They all live away from home now but whenever we are together, for example over Christmas or Easter we have to be mindful of each others’ needs and time out preferences. If we don’t do that, these times together, which are precious but few and far between, can easily be ruined.
What we hope to do in the not too distant future is go to live where there are fewer people. Scottish Highlands would be nice, although perhaps a bit cold in winter. We can only dream!
So what should you look out for when an introvert has not recharged?
In the case of our household and maybe yours too:
Tiredness together with a short fuse ( i.e. quick temper).
Headaches.
Reluctance to engage in any social activity e.g. going out for dinner.
Quietness and unwillingness to share thoughts on anything.
Extreme frustration with every little thing that is happening around them.
Impatient and argumentative behaviour.
Of course some of these signs can result from stress alone but often when there are extra stresses around we find ourselves unable to recharge so the effect can seem to be cumulative.
What can you do to live happily with introverts?
Learn to read the moods etc. of others and put yourself in their shoes.
Respect the differences of others.
Respect the need for everyone to have some time alone.
Talk about the differences and needs of everyone in the home and talk about showing respect for each other. (I know this can be difficult with young children but it will eventually get through!)
Read the signs and behaviours and respond appropriately i.e. don’t rush a family member for an answer to something if they are stressed and want to get away.
Provide physical space in the home for each person to go to be alone.
Encourage your family to exercise and find some outdoor activity they can do alone e.g. walking or swimming.
Limit the time you all have together so you don’t push everyone to the limit. (This might sound harsh, but if you know that two days of having 5 introverts in the house is too much for everyone only invite them for one day!)
Don’t be offended when a family member is harsh with you because they are tired or stressed. Forgive them and talk about it when they have recharged.
I hope this is helpful!
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Until next time,
Gillian (and Andrew)
